You say I am the reason you are here
Have you ever thought that might not be a one way thing?
I'll always be here
So don't you leave me instead
I need you too you know?
And I love you da
And the sickness will not get to you while I'm around
I won't let it, and you won't either
i want to see you every day like before
I love you
Miss you already
How are you
All days are littered. Blank and dank. They are better when accompanied by tears. Worse when not. Most days are bad. Some days are diseased and decrepit. Particularly today. Example today. No reason necessary. Low and sunken. So tired and punctured.
There is a hole and I can literally put my hands in there and find nothing. My brain is broken and my heart is empty. The rest don't matter.
Its the only thought I get every hour of every waking moment. Its a reactionary ideation. My feelings fluctuate between nothingness and pain. To treat and escape pain, I threaten it with death. Its become something that defines me. Its my retribution and my revenge. Its the only thing that makes me feel power, and a sense of abject ownership. Its the only thing that I truly still own that hasn't been taken from me.
I want to die. I don't necessarily have the courage to kill myself at the moment but I think I could if given enough time to train for it. The baby steps will one day lead to that leap. Meanwhile, I'm that addict, thinking about it, day in and out, mulling over it, fantasizing. Every day, that fear wears down, looks less fearful, and more peaceful. I want to sleep. I want to die.
