Deficiency

Why do the inept continue to live?

It is extremely peculiar and beguiling to see the unfortunate work so hard to live, to survive so they can continue in that path of almost self condemnation. They most certainly do not relish the cruel hand they've been dealt and yet they trudge on. No, its not brave determination. Silly optimism is not at work here. I believe its a genetic or psychological deficiency of some sort. Just like animals don't kill themselves - no suicide(whales are mammals). Like them, these people are just deficient, less evolved if you will. Instead, they breed, leading to even more faulty shells, zombified but blissfully ignorant. If you think about it, the notion of having to stick it out till you drop dead from natural causes regardless, is illogical. If it leaks, you patch it, if its rotten you dump it, if it hurts, you stop it. It makes no sense then why in regards to our mortality, would we not follow this same principle. I believe that to be a most compelling argument.

Getting impatient and idiots will stay idiotic

I must get my stuff sorted out. I know what I need, I just have to find it. Don't know how much time I'll really have so I have to make sure I got my tools when the time comes.

Something big coming? I know what it is, but the poor suckers don't. Silly beings won't know what hit them. I'd like to see which idiot'll be the first to say "things happen for a reason". Except I won't be there. Jokes' on everyone.

Overcoming fear

This is the final thing I gotta do. When all is done and ready, the one final hurdle is overcoming fear. You don't get to come back so better be sure. I have found that the best way is to not think about it. That way you don't allow the fear to brew or grow. Fear won't have any power so long as you don't feed it. Best concentrate on the task and that's it. Nothing else.

Actually, there is one other thing I still need - a partner, gotta find one.

Loved her too

You came to love and be loved, but I didn't know you, so I didn't love you. I don't naturally like, love even less. You were perplexing, seemingly distant, foreign, uncommunicative. I didn't understand you.

Then things started to change. I know its real because it came through time, not something fleeting. When I looked into your eyes, I saw a familiar soul. There was a time when I held you because of responsibility, but now, I hold you because of love.

For the times when I was coarse in temperament or lacking gentleness, I sincerely apologize. Sometimes we know not what we do, misguided by our authority, blindsided by our personal vanities. I can't take back the mistakes and it seems I won't be able to right the wrongs. This will have to do.

I am sorry, my baby. You should know that I would lay down my life for you in a heartbeat. You should know that you are indeed one of the very few things in my life that I know is undoubtedly good. I shall always miss you.

I love you, Emma.

Loved her

I loved her the moment I took her in my arms. She was too small, too little to understand what was happening. I covered her with a soft cardigan and gently placed her on my thigh while I made the long drive home. She slept quietly, never stirring.

She was pensive for the first couple of days, shying away, preferring to just observe me from a distance. But that didn't last, she was soon climbing all over, exploring her new surroundings. Running, jumping, playing, ...then loving. She might not have a voice but you'd be surprised at her elegance and eloquence. The connection was palpable, one look, one stare, was sufficient, a visceral understanding, between man and friend, not beast.

We may never meet again but I shall never forget you. You too, are one of the very few things in my life, that was right, and undoubtedly good. I shall always miss you.

I love you, Peanut.

Don't forget anything

There's not gonna be any chance of a redo so I've to make sure I don't forget anything. Make sure everyone knows their part too. I really just want to put everything in place and have everything within reach. Next main step is to confirm that my services are no longer required - that I'm not gonna have to be responsible anymore. Emancipation at my own leisurely pace from then on. No pressure.

Responsibility

Ultimately you are responsible for yourself. No one else. It'll be presumptuous of you to think someone will really put themselves out there and be responsible for you, when it really matters. Even if you're the appointed head honcho within the hierarchy, don't assume you'll follow through when the shit hits the fan. Buckling under pressure is universal, no need to be ashamed.

Of course, there's also the flip side..but we won't talk about that. Its a gift often asked, seldom given, even less often fulfilled.

Free

It is very liberating once you are no longer attached to the world. You begin to not worry about money, possessions, or longevity. It may be seen as a cop out but what do I care? Once you know you have the capacity and tuned intellect to control your mortality, you no longer fear it as much. The only side effect is, in a way, you begin to acquire a perfunctory outlook towards most things and people around you. Nothing on earth matters to you anymore. Everything is fleeting and unimportant, and that includes you, yourself.

Don't misunderstand this to be all positive because I can assure you this road is filled with self loathing, pain, loneliness and universal futility.

One thing I know is you can learn this. That can mean salvation or imminent danger.

Don't wanna forget

I don't need new memories. I have had the most blessed and happy ones the past 15 or so years. They will be times I can always look back on with comfort and contentment. I don't want what I see now to contaminate that which I already have stored in my mind. All I know is the longer I stay, the more decrepit I'll get. I may have to die, but at least I can then live.

Its not about you

That's what you need to understand. There's no way you can properly or correctly explain this, because its not about you. The event does not belong to you, nor do you have control over it. No need to try to analyze it or convince yourself or anyone else because its NOT about you. I may not have been able to control my entrance but I sure as hell will control my exit.

You think you know, but you don't. Go on, keep telling yourself stories, convincing yourself of the why's, and how's.

Truth is you need to stop talking, stop thinking...its not about you.

Prep

I'd say I'm almost there. I've been preparing, getting my affairs sorted and in order. Its actually sorta nice to be able to plan like this, so as to prevent things from getting outta hand when it matters. Having learnt my lesson well, I know better than to trust anyone, with anything.

Still waiting for my instrument of choice to show up, the final piece of the puzzle.