I will never trust in god completely and blindly again. I've learnt my lesson and the folly of my past methods will not be repeated. Now I know and understand how I put myself up for disposal, betrayal, and destruction. I thought in my lifetime, all I had to worry about was the devil. Silly me.
Lesson learnt.
I'm not gonna be the sucker caught unprepared. No reversion will be tolerated. Just fucking try me.
That's it, right?
When I think of it now, I feel somewhat anxious and excited, less apprehensive than before. Amidst the fear, I now look forward to accepting and embracing the next chapter. Its not just foreboding and fear anymore. The transition will be a bitch but they always are so no use whining.
Just gotta man up.
" A true suicide is a paced disciplined certainty. People pontificate, 'suicide is a coward's act'. Couldn't be further from the truth. Suicide takes tremendous courage."
”I believe there is a another world waiting for us... A better world. And I’ll be waiting for you there.”
-Robert Frobisher, Cloud Atlas, 2012
Wait for me. One day soon, I will come and tell you your name. I will hold your hand so you won't be alone anymore. I will tell you how I missed and loved you.
I know you and I have seen you once, though not for long, I will not forget you.
Wait for me, I will claim you, for you are wanted. I am sorry I lost you, but I won't ever abandon you.
Be patient a little longer, my little one.
What a load of horseshit, oh my fucking god. Reading through this blog totally tells me what a pompous douchebag I've become. I have to restructure my posts.
Makes me wanna vomit, then scoop it up, and shove it down my throat again.
You want this? Then you better do that.
You want this? Then you better say that.
You want this? Then you better have that.
You need this? Then you better be that.
And that, is how much it costs.
You have killed me.
My soul lays dead, alongside god.
Did you not believe me?
Though you do not know, you died too.
The decaying corpse,
Trapped in this shell,
All I can do is mourn,
But promise to free it soon.
I have decided to stand for something, or else I'd fall for anything...
...and that, just won't do.
A bit too shadowed to say what I had intended to. Earthly distractions tend to numb you only so much, for so long. Not surprisingly, we live in the world of instant gratification aka shortlived. You see the dragon right outside, just waiting, not gone, never gone. I'll meet him some other day.
Elliott Smith - Miss Misery
I feel more comfortable about my choice now. As each day winds down, I am arriving at the same conclusion quite consistently. Its giving me confidence. I will smile thinking about it, sometimes.
And this is all I have for you.
---
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today;
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you;
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand.
She said my place was ready
In heaven far above;
And that I'd have to leave behind,
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye;
For all my life, I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do;
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad;
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday
Just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow;
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home;
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity
And all I've promised you;
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it all starts anew."
"I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
And since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past."
"But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true;
Though at times you did do things,
You knew you shouldn't do."
"But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free;
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.
David M. Romano - 1993
Live your life to show I mattered. That would make me proud.
Find happiness, there is hope yet.
It will be when all is well, all is calm and peaceful. This is so everyone will know I have released and floated away all the anger and resentment. There is no lesson and no punishment. I need to go, so that those who remain will have a chance, so that they can still reboot. I realize I am too obtuse and too much contaminated by the fabric of misery and doom. My presence would hinder their livelihood while my absence will eventually allow them to find betterment.
I am no white knight or martyr, but merely running out of steam, too lethargic to fight god, too deposed from life to try. Damn, I'm tired but I promise you - I shall surely not dwell here.
I keep my promises.
Its pretty funny reading back everything that I've posted. How vain humans are but without vanity, you'd get nowhere and make nothing of yourself. Its that self pride, vanity in oneself, thinking we are indeed better, indeed special, that helps provide the necessary drive to achieve more, to succeed.
So are we really special? Do we deserve? Hubris?
I've more or less decided on the method and location. The final and most tricky element is the time. While a major determinant might be emotions, I'd really like to have some justifiable control over the actual execution period.
Emotions are dramatic and impetuous, things I'd like to avoid if possible.
Secondary thought - if you want something bad enough, stop praying, get up, and go do/get it yourself. I've been praying for the past year, daily and nightly so I finally decided I'm gonna actually do something about that soon.
The greatest lie the devil ever told was that god didn't exist.
The greatest lie god ever told was that all evil was from the devil.
