Point

I talked to someone today who has walked a mile in my shoes. She went through a similar phase and still undergoes a regimen for it. However, the main difference in our journey is that mine is borne out of very real, physical constraints. It is through this that I understood the fact that life is a pointless cyclical pathos. Maybe there is a point, but you'll never know until you've left your life. How many people inspect their existence? All of our so-called purpose in life is based on what society tells us, man made.

Honestly feel like I'm rambling, either I have no idea what I'm talking about, or I'm a fucking genius.

Stuck again

It seems like a large part of my existence is centered around finding a place to stay. That and the fact that I have no direction. Big surprise there. 3days here, 3days there. When will I run out of these cycles? The shackles around my ankles are very real, and they limit what I can do, where I can live, even who I can meet. I keep waiting for something to happen, anything to cause a real change, but no such luck. Why should I put my faith in anything anymore? Its a futile engagement either way. There is always some explanation to justify your failure. Heard them all, know them all.

Ready to go

I have returned to God but as I pray, I don't know if my prayers are heard. I thought I heard right, but then, it didn't come to pass. I feel dejected, and disappointed. After all, I am only human. How many times can one sustain the blows of rejection and failure before one is lost? Tests that threaten to claim my miserable life are hardly fair. Where and when can I receive more mercy and grace? Forgive me, but why does my Father treat me so? Yes, I am of little faith, and I am a sinner. Does taking all I have from me, stripping me naked and destroying all I hold dear, save me? Isn't free will my gift?

But, alas, even though its not been very long, I am ready to give up on this life. No disrespect, there has been goodness, and while there might be other great things coming in the future, I have actually had enough. I want to leave and serve in other ways. I have had enough of my earthly existence and would like to request to move on to the next phase. God says I have free will. I would like to exercise that right. Not leaving God, just leaving life on earth. I have seen through this and I no longer find it intriguing or purposeful. Take me, let me move on, I am ready. If it is indeed free will, I should be able to decide when I have had enough, without penalty, because if I'm forced to stay on in my current state, I will surely lose my life and my soul, and lose God.

God, you have a responsibility towards me. Don't lose me.

Almost time to move on

Been here for a few days, will need to move on soon, before things turn sour. I'll try and pack more stuff into my backpack this time, so I'll be better prepared as I roam the streets. No agenda, no direction, so I'm just gonna leave for another town, stay for a few days, then get going again. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be homeless at this juncture in my life. One bad decision is all it takes. I have imagined how I would fare, how I could be living on the streets, literally, and I know how it feels.

In the end, there is only you. You only.

Go back to START

Tomorrow I make a move back to where I started. It's guaranteed to suck but at this point I really have no where to go. Just need to endure it and start another journey once the layover gets too antagonistic.

Not sure what I've learned this past few weeks. Feels like I did a whole bunch of stuff but I couldn't tell you what I got to show for it. My body is sore from all the mileage but its mostly from walking in-place, in circles, since its quite apparent I haven't gotten anywhere.

Still can't get to where I want to go, need to go, not even a step closer, no kidding.

Same difference?

I like to believe I've moved on, at least a little. I can't trust myself anymore. What do i want to do? It almost seems like plain economics.

Still got nothing, hope is for the hopeful. At this point I just want my four walls in a kind climate, don't even need or want sunshine. Simple request, but simply unattainable.