Hush

Poor poor soul, don't cry. You've been through so much, I'm so proud of you.

Don't cry ... I pity you so.

The Guy's In Love With You

...if not I'll just die.

Apostasy today, atheism tomorrow

Today, I'm convinced more than ever, that there is no such thing as a god. I don't mean that in a condescending manner, but as a matter of fact. I too used to be one of the ignorant and gullible, but not anymore. Its just a pity I awoke to this so late in life, having wasted all that time and money, and having led so many down this ridiculous path.

Superseded

I still have a mission, one that either brings life or naught. Then it gets decided for me, without me having to chase down the devil. Hence the plan before has been relieved, as this envelopes a larger purpose and goal.

The wait will be excruciating but I'll endure it for a little while longer, till I can carry out plan B, the one that decides my fate for me.

Pact

I have a new target and its simple. I'll just need to stick around to see if it pans out. I'm leaving, that much is certain. Come hell or high water, the plan is set in motion.

By this time next year, I'll begin to prepare to return to my home. If I fail, I'll still leave, I'll find my way back regardless of the consequences. Legality is no longer important, I have nothing and no one to answer to. There is no higher price to pay when you already have all your chips on the table.

This is something I can agree to and sign off on. Either way, I'll be the one to decide my final destiny. Do or die trying.

Lucky

I might read a news article or see someone come to a quick end in a movie, and I think to myself - you lucky son of a bitch. I want what you got. I want to share that fate. When will it be my turn? Surely I deserve that too if I try hard enough. I still have a chance at that. I'll continue to be envious till the day I too can be rid of this stench called life.

Still

Still waiting.

Close my eyes, dream of it, think of it, waiting still...

Brink

Some days the weight feels insurmountable. The futility and despair becomes overwhelming and all I can do is fantasize constantly about the minutiae of my death. I look around and I see the hopelessness of my existence, and I continue to be in a state of disbelief. I must be dreaming, this must only be a nightmare.

I wake up in the morning and this is what first enters my mind. Before I turn in at night, I play through this script again. One time I'll die in this nightmare, and then I'll truly awaken and it'll be fine again. All will be well again. I will be well again.

Unforgiven

It is unforgivable.

You deserve to die for what you did. The short days are counting down. It'll be upon you before you know it. You'll get your deserved punishment. So does everyone. If you know the story, you know someone dies in the end.

SOON.

Walkthrough

I'm prepared and I've planned for the final day.

Its best to run through the details in your mind over and over again so you become comfortable with the process. It also allows me to fill in any missing gaps and make any necessary adjustments. As I've said before, its a disciplined undertaking.

The precursor is not important; the ensuing journey to the destination remains the same. As much as possible, I need to control the flow of events, making sure they are as linear as can be. Deviation and uncertainty leads to failure, which I don't intend to. The iterations below will act as a map for me, a literal guide to keep my wits intact. When the time comes, no more thinking, I will just act.

The night before
PC needs to be wiped of my use - I may have to complete some bank transfers - I need to pack all my clothes - I need to make sure my laptop is packed - Items to give away I need to label, discard the rest - I need to get some sticky notes and a sharpie - I need to shave and groom well.

I have to call and say goodbye - make sure she knows and understands - make sure she remembers our secret - make sure she can get access - make plain my plight.

The final day
I'll clean up and finish packing - buy a sandwich for the ride - bring a can or two of tuna - leave.

Arrival
Eat - look through my luggage - shower and dress as planned - retrieve my instrument - label items as I see fit - move and arrange items on bed, labeled clearly - leave notes as necessary - watch final movie.

Finale
Wash up - final look through - pray to nothing - planned music in ears - xiphoid process step aside, shiny has a meeting with thumper - bliss - eternity.

Undeserving

You can't make me stay. I won't stay for you. I won't let you benefit from my life. As blanket punishment, you are all relinquished of it. You will be left to pick up the pieces yourself while patronizing condolences and sympathy will no doubt surround you. Your disguise cannot hide your cowardice and malice. Villains abet villains.

Sure, I lost it too, so you might console yourself and say its fair. Its my choice to leave the living because I no longer wish to put up with the putrid clout you bring to my life. I will not stay, I will not give validation to your existence, so you don't get to mend your conscience at my expense. One day or all days, you will have to face the evil you brought. You don't get to forget, you don't get forgiven.

That's what people like you do, and people like me don't.

Sealed

Just as sure as there is no way to turn back the clock, there is no recompense. Nothing can be done to fix this. No alternative acceptable. No reparation can be sufficient, no payback equal to the loss. No other way makes right.

One day the inevitable arrives. It comes to tell you what you already know, what you've waited for. Its a reckoning for me, as much as for you.

Its done. Accomplished and completed. Fate sealed, ended. Kaput.

Steadfastness

You can't fool me. I can smell the ruse a mile away. I'll never place myself in your hands again. You've been proven derelict and undeserving. Though I may fall again, I won't fall for you. I won't ever let you bullshit me again.

So fuck you. And you too.

Exit strategy

I've got one planned. I know what to do, I've done the research, become familiar with the methodology. Its one that I know I can perform without too much complication. 

Despite its surety, most leave it to chance. Is death so frightening that you need to cling to life? All we know about it is through myth and conjecture. Its bewildering how the most intelligent and astute people can also be so irrational when it comes to this matter.

I couldn't control my entrance but I can control my departure.

Misses

What don't I miss?

I miss driving. I miss cooking. I miss the cold wind. I miss hot dogs. I miss hugs. I miss fog. I miss flannel and down. I miss safeway, and rite aid. I miss trader joes. I miss rebates and coupons. I miss cheese. I miss my oven. I miss watching my tv. I miss being left alone. I miss courtesy. I miss freedom. I miss mings diner. I miss pho and bbq beef. I miss beef. I miss fresh milk. I miss in-n-out. I miss ice cream. I miss jerky. I miss having a family. I miss my independence. I miss free will. I miss my bike. I miss road trips, any trip. I miss my home, my sf. I miss my past life. I miss being alive.

Sheeple

Pain is described as a necessary experience. They say it shapes a person, builds character and transforms your soul. If you truly believe in God, you would strive on, continue to have faith, despite the pain. I guess that supposedly proves resolve and God will reward you accordingly.

So nobody thinks these tests are sadistic and a perversion of his doctrines? I guess if you want to and need to make sense of something, no matter how ludicrous, you will. What about the ones who fail? Fuck them since they must have lacked something and hence are undeserving of glory? Remember this, this God. He is the one who decides and guarantees, that while I'm not the first, I'm certainly not the last.

Plenty more sheep out there to play with.

On the flip side, perhaps he doesn't exist. Mind=blown.

Why

This is a question everyone wants answered. I know some around me will need it, so this is purely for their benefit.

- l no longer hope, not one bit, not at all
- I no longer trust, divine or not
- I no long care for betterment
- I didn't convert but I abandoned my faith
- I stand for something and have concluded I won't sit
- There is no longer need, not of me or for me
- There is no redo, no reset button
- Not everything can be fixed and not everything should be fixed
- Having or extending joy is improbable
- Before I harm, its better I go
- The abuse has to stop and it starts with me
- Everybody hurts, everybody pays
- My departure eventually liberates all
- I am lethargic, too little, too late
- This is the only way I can get home

Let me go. It is not all sad, there is more, much more.
So please, let me go.

One year prep

Its been about a year since I started thinking and planning this. During that time, I've gotten a lot of my affairs together, resolved and executed all the minute details of my life. There were also a lot of re do's and trials along the way before getting to where I am now. I want the transition to be as smooth as possible so I've taken my time in getting things exactly the way I like.

Everyone needs to understand that this is a planned event, not hurried, not rash. Nothing acute, nothing extraordinary, no one thing is the spark. It is a conscious undertaking in a disciplined manner.

No mas

I gave you easy, but easy was too hard for you.
You groaned, you hissed, you schemed.
In time I relented, I'm only human.
Betrayed myself, only to be betrayed.
Now I wield a sword, strict and absolute,
To punish by giving you,
What you asked for.
Because hard must be easy,
Since easy was too hard for you.
And that goes for everyone else.

One

I know I have the mettle for one good thrust. At the most, that is all I have.
My courage and propensity allows me only that.

There is no room for failure. I have one good one in me and its gotta connect.
Its gotta matter. Its gotta work. Its gotta be enough.

I know I have one in me, one but not two.

Its ours and they want it

Our soul is their prize. The two sides tug at you all your life, both trying to win you over, both covet the ultimate prize - your soul. We're indoctrinated to flee and fight the devil, at the same time beg and please god to have our souls to keep. Does that make sense? The way I see it, from a logical point of view, its ours, ours to give, and both of them want it. Why, I do not know, but I do know they sure try damn hard to beg and please us to get it.

While we assume and believe that the devil is the liar, why would we not apply that same critical thinking to the god entity? How much have you been brainwashed?

Maybe they are the ones who need to prove they are worthy of my soul.

Maybe its just two sides, neither one particularly good or bad, neither one devil or god.

Waiting to hurry up

I'm waiting for the break to arrive. I know its coming, it must be coming. I've become far too weary of the perpetual drag along this current path. When my break comes, I'm taking the plunge. That'll be the right time to checkout.

Excuses

We have an excuse for everything. I've realized that's exactly what I'm doing. In reality, if I wanted to, needed to, planned to, I could make it happen with a myriad of other items at my disposal. A brick can act as a hammer, a knife can act as, well, a knife.

Moving on

I still need to learn to let go. There's fear, apprehension, still building up and lurking, surfacing whenever I try to take a step. I know I can't escape forever. In time, I need to get comfortable with it, be familiar with it. My mortality will be my friend one day. It only takes one time, one leap.

Waiting

Its not time yet, I know. I'm disappointed and frustrated but I know I have to continue to wait for the moment to arrive. Besides, I'm still missing a crucial piece of tool essential to the puzzle. In the meantime I endure the daily mockery and incessant debauchery of this gift called life.

I'll continue to pray daily, in hopes that it can somehow be expedited, up until when patience runs out, for either one of us. By now I know how he works, so I'm not holding my breath. Oh the irony.

Fear passed

Death should not be feared, it is but an instant. Its pain pales in comparison to suffering, a far more tormentous affair that feels like eternity. It is this pain that visits me when I open my eyes in the morning, and stays with me through the long days' journey into night.

I no longer have the fears I used to carry around.

Invincibility

Superhero trait, mine to acquire. How can I still be hurt? I have transcended the normal boundaries of torment and have emerged, not unscathed, but indifferent. Perhaps I've developed immunity. I have become unbound, disheveled in some way, so that now, I see afflictions as precursors to a journey. Like opening a door, a possible end, which by association, signifies a beginning.

Borrowed time

Dead man walking. I go through the motions of the living daily but I am not alive. Not much matters around me. Not much affects me. All I care about and look forward to is resolution. I'm just bidding my time, waiting for the moment to arrive. People around me don't know it yet but I've already died a while back.

This is the fantasy that consumes me but provides solace from my ills.

That is all

To finally sum it all up, all I can say is I am just sad. That eventually this is my only choice. That this would be all I have. That its not fair. That all the pieces fall together to lead me down this one narrow path, with one door, one end. That I have to go so the ones left behind can live.

Having understood my role makes it easier to accept the plan but it still makes me sad and mad, that at best, this is my eventual payoff.

A matter of satisfaction

I'm in the process of going through my old posts and updating them. Through self criticism and introspection, I've found that they have become uncharacteristic and unrepresentative of my psyche. In order to not mislead anyone, I will edit as necessary while preserving the core material of the posts.