Unforgiven

It is unforgivable.

You deserve to die for what you did. The short days are counting down. It'll be upon you before you know it. You'll get your deserved punishment. So does everyone. If you know the story, you know someone dies in the end.

SOON.

Walkthrough

I'm prepared and I've planned for the final day.

Its best to run through the details in your mind over and over again so you become comfortable with the process. It also allows me to fill in any missing gaps and make any necessary adjustments. As I've said before, its a disciplined undertaking.

The precursor is not important; the ensuing journey to the destination remains the same. As much as possible, I need to control the flow of events, making sure they are as linear as can be. Deviation and uncertainty leads to failure, which I don't intend to. The iterations below will act as a map for me, a literal guide to keep my wits intact. When the time comes, no more thinking, I will just act.

The night before
PC needs to be wiped of my use - I may have to complete some bank transfers - I need to pack all my clothes - I need to make sure my laptop is packed - Items to give away I need to label, discard the rest - I need to get some sticky notes and a sharpie - I need to shave and groom well.

I have to call and say goodbye - make sure she knows and understands - make sure she remembers our secret - make sure she can get access - make plain my plight.

The final day
I'll clean up and finish packing - buy a sandwich for the ride - bring a can or two of tuna - leave.

Arrival
Eat - look through my luggage - shower and dress as planned - retrieve my instrument - label items as I see fit - move and arrange items on bed, labeled clearly - leave notes as necessary - watch final movie.

Finale
Wash up - final look through - pray to nothing - planned music in ears - xiphoid process step aside, shiny has a meeting with thumper - bliss - eternity.

Undeserving

You can't make me stay. I won't stay for you. I won't let you benefit from my life. As blanket punishment, you are all relinquished of it. You will be left to pick up the pieces yourself while patronizing condolences and sympathy will no doubt surround you. Your disguise cannot hide your cowardice and malice. Villains abet villains.

Sure, I lost it too, so you might console yourself and say its fair. Its my choice to leave the living because I no longer wish to put up with the putrid clout you bring to my life. I will not stay, I will not give validation to your existence, so you don't get to mend your conscience at my expense. One day or all days, you will have to face the evil you brought. You don't get to forget, you don't get forgiven.

That's what people like you do, and people like me don't.

Sealed

Just as sure as there is no way to turn back the clock, there is no recompense. Nothing can be done to fix this. No alternative acceptable. No reparation can be sufficient, no payback equal to the loss. No other way makes right.

One day the inevitable arrives. It comes to tell you what you already know, what you've waited for. Its a reckoning for me, as much as for you.

Its done. Accomplished and completed. Fate sealed, ended. Kaput.

Steadfastness

You can't fool me. I can smell the ruse a mile away. I'll never place myself in your hands again. You've been proven derelict and undeserving. Though I may fall again, I won't fall for you. I won't ever let you bullshit me again.

So fuck you. And you too.

Exit strategy

I've got one planned. I know what to do, I've done the research, become familiar with the methodology. Its one that I know I can perform without too much complication. 

Despite its surety, most leave it to chance. Is death so frightening that you need to cling to life? All we know about it is through myth and conjecture. Its bewildering how the most intelligent and astute people can also be so irrational when it comes to this matter.

I couldn't control my entrance but I can control my departure.

Misses

What don't I miss?

I miss driving. I miss cooking. I miss the cold wind. I miss hot dogs. I miss hugs. I miss fog. I miss flannel and down. I miss safeway, and rite aid. I miss trader joes. I miss rebates and coupons. I miss cheese. I miss my oven. I miss watching my tv. I miss being left alone. I miss courtesy. I miss freedom. I miss mings diner. I miss pho and bbq beef. I miss beef. I miss fresh milk. I miss in-n-out. I miss ice cream. I miss jerky. I miss having a family. I miss my independence. I miss free will. I miss my bike. I miss road trips, any trip. I miss my home, my sf. I miss my past life. I miss being alive.