Its not time yet, I know. I'm disappointed and frustrated but I know I have to continue to wait for the moment to arrive. Besides, I'm still missing a crucial piece of tool essential to the puzzle. In the meantime I endure the daily mockery and incessant debauchery of this gift called life.
I'll continue to pray daily, in hopes that it can somehow be expedited, up until when patience runs out, for either one of us. By now I know how he works, so I'm not holding my breath. Oh the irony.
Death should not be feared, it is but an instant. Its pain pales in comparison to suffering, a far more tormentous affair that feels like eternity. It is this pain that visits me when I open my eyes in the morning, and stays with me through the long days' journey into night.
I no longer have the fears I used to carry around.
Superhero trait, mine to acquire. How can I still be hurt? I have transcended the normal boundaries of torment and have emerged, not unscathed, but indifferent. Perhaps I've developed immunity. I have become unbound, disheveled in some way, so that now, I see afflictions as precursors to a journey. Like opening a door, a possible end, which by association, signifies a beginning.
Dead man walking. I go through the motions of the living daily but I am not alive. Not much matters around me. Not much affects me. All I care about and look forward to is resolution. I'm just bidding my time, waiting for the moment to arrive. People around me don't know it yet but I've already died a while back.
This is the fantasy that consumes me but provides solace from my ills.
To finally sum it all up, all I can say is I am just sad. That eventually this is my only choice. That this would be all I have. That its not fair. That all the pieces fall together to lead me down this one narrow path, with one door, one end. That I have to go so the ones left behind can live.
Having understood my role makes it easier to accept the plan but it still makes me sad and mad, that at best, this is my eventual payoff.
I'm in the process of going through my old posts and updating them. Through self criticism and introspection, I've found that they have become uncharacteristic and unrepresentative of my psyche. In order to not mislead anyone, I will edit as necessary while preserving the core material of the posts.
