Pray?

Seems like I just get more and more stuff to fret over. Well, pray, pray more, pray harder.

Right, that's what people do right?

Glimmer

I don't know when I became such a pessimist. Quite the opposite in fact, I always thought I was overly hopeful, the ever optimist. I guess the past few months of my life changed all that. Now I have very low expectations of life in general and expect a very low-key wind down to this existence. I honestly do try to look on the bright side and stay positive, but it just seems like such a futile effort.

I see some glimmer of hope that looks encouraging but I know better now. I am wary of going too high, only to fall farther down.

Same

Nothing has gotten resolved. I haven't gotten any good news in the past six months. All my problems still exist exactly as before. Not one has been resolved. I have less thoughts of killing myself though the depression still creeps up several times a day. I still have no direction, no real place to stay, no security or prospect in any part of my life. The less I think, the less I ponder, the less I am awake, the better. If only I was a drinker, then at least I can get piss drunk and find some solace in my inebriety.

So, same, same worthlessness.

Hoping against all

People are still asking me to have hope, to not give up. That i should continue praying, that God will sort it out. Maybe because of how things have happened these past six months, I am no longer very capable of being positive. Not one thing has come out with favorable results. They only tease and entice with false hopes, but eventually show the ugly truth, just like a cynical joke. Such a life is not worth living. All the forces conspire to delude you, trash you, and hurt you. They have taken my livelihood, now even those around me. I am one step from being stateless. A slow and methodical demolition of me as a man.

Hope is for the fortunate.

String

Give me something.

Not greedy, just asking for something to keep me afloat, help me survive, to make it worthwhile to go through life. Give me a finale I can look forward to, despite it all. If you take it all, I might as well give up.

Not a prize

How do I live through this?
I am not confident they want me to.
At the end, getting me might not be what they want.
I am not a prize, instead I come at a price.
How can they still want me?
I am not a worthwhile burden anymore.
The odds are stacked against me.
All that is important is stacked against me.

The idiot

I am a pariah
Born unwanted, stuck in a hateful state
I am despised
Avoided by all, this land my dystopia
I will rot here
One chance I got to leave, foolishly I returned
I deserve to expire
All have left, my lease on life almost revoked
I am broken
I resent the air that flows through me, this useless existence
I will escape
Make no mistake, one day I'll leave, meeting death is better than this.

Neither here nor there

By choice, i spend most of my days and nights within four walls. I am most comfortable away from civilization. Being outside has turned into a stressful event for me and i dread it when I know I will be required to be out. Even mealtimes and having to go to the bathroom has turned into something hard for me to do. What is going to happen to me? I have become decrepit and seem detached from the functional world. Not sure I'm worth saving, not sure I'm worth resources. Very sure I'm not right.

These are my A to Z

Abandoned
Broken
Castrated
Dehumanised
Emotional
Failure
God?
Hopeless
Immobile
Jailed
Killed
Lost
Muddy
Nullified
Oppressed
Poisoned
Quit
Rejected
Stolen
Torn
Unforgiven
Void
Wasted
X'ed
Years
Zeroed

Left or right?

I picked myself up today, packed minimally, and left for a city far away, some place I've never really been. I'm under a foreign roof, under a foreign sky, depending on others, under the mercy of God.

Is there a God? Does he care? Is there a plan? Did he orchestrate this, why? Will I survive?

I woke up, filled with doom
I cleared out, left my room
I walked out, full of gloom
I hope not, to my tomb

Camaraderie

"We all need to know that someone else can feel some bit of what we feel, and someone who has survived it."

Someone told me that yesterday.

That someone lived through something very similar to what i'm experiencing and is still living with it today, 9 years later. I commend her strength and perseverance. I'm just ashamed to say I must be weaker.

A little help?

Sometimes I think I have some hope
But then I slip and start to mope
Sometimes I think I'll start to cope
But then I try and grab the rope
I beg for a chance, but I get a nope
God might help, if I was the pope

Laundry

I wish I didn't do all the laundry so quickly.

Whatever I have now just smells fresh of detergent, no longer can i detect anything in them. I guess people who think that's disgusting will never understand how I feel. As i hold this small shirt up to my chest, and prepare to go to bed, I will be thankful, because its one day less to live.

Shed

Just noticed I'm losing quite a bit of hair lately. Bedroom floor is scattered with hairs every morning. I don't even spend any time in here. Maybe it belongs to some ghost, some ghost who's also going through such hard times, their hair is falling out too.

Early checkout

I yell and cry
For all thats lost
The more I try
The more they cost
The tears that form
Trace down my face
Reminds me of storms
I started someplace
Not yet strong enough
Not yet weak enough
What can I say?
Someday still may
Choke the air out
Just to checkout

Salty

A few good solid cries is part of my nightly ritual now. Lasts for less than a minute but I'll get several bouts a night. Only good thing is they make me damn tired and its true, you can actually be "all cried out". At some point, I feel like my ration for the day is done, and I'd feel quite hollow and empty. My face is sore from all that salt.

Plan B

What do you do if there is no plan B? What if you have placed your faith and eggs, everyone of them, in one basket?

Plan A is no longer viable. There is nothing left for you. Then what do you do?

Alone

I don't recall having been really alone.

For over ten years, my household has sounds - rustling, humming, clanging, cooking, TV, talking. All of a sudden, its quiet. How do i accept this deafening silence? Who do i talk to, no one left nor right. No one will give me anymore time. I am alone, the rest have left. I would never abandon them this way, so why have they? What do you have to do to accept that no one gives a damn? Posting about this only serves to illuminate the obvious. Now that I've posted this, I can't bear to read it.

I think free reign might be a detriment to my health.

Eating is a form of suffering

Three puffs a buck
Like I give a fuck
Its bad, its good
Its just shitty food
One day I hope
I can elope
From this wretched strife
Some idiots call life

Operation death: Trial #2

I'm sorry I failed last night. An acute bout of tears flooded me and i made the above to sling over me and the doorknob. Unlike in the movies, there is no one to stop you, no one to bring you back from the edge, no one pities you. It hurt, it hurts, my belt tightened, I felt blood vessels engorge. I tried to ease myself into it but still it hurts. I will fix that next time. This has been trial #2; I had a previous episode with my pocket knife a couple of months back, my wrist still tingles.

Maybe I should sleep, then at least I'm unconscious, and i can't hurt myself. I'll try go bed now, read a bit, then sleep.

Edit:
If I had more guts, I might have succeeded. Will try again.

Fear

I believe this is a BIG part of my daily life that sucks the energy outta me. Is it right for me to fear so much? Did loss of freedom, my independence, cause this?

Now i'm just a nervous wreck, fearful of moving, scared of living, panicking when i have to decide. Which is the right direction? When did i lose my confidence? How do i get it back? My compass is out of whack, broken. What seemed so straight, is now broad and crooked, meandering with a hundred ways to go. Every decision, every turn i make only seems to bring me closer to ruin.

I am scared, i have been scared for a while. Only my fear defines me now.

Handicapped

Numb, thats how i currently feel, used a million adjectives to describe my predicament.

When people lose a limb they sometimes feel its presence, its lingering aura, wanting to resume its previous role, but missing its physical attribute. In a sense, thats what i feel, so close, so clear, yet so impossible.

Noose around the neck, slink under the door knob. A lot of people just don't get it - its not about solving issues, not about bravery or cowardice, not about right or wrong. Its very plainly and simply a means to eradicate pain and suffering; an instant absolution attained by no other. Its fast and it bears no prejudice, all problems welcomed, all people accepted.

Can you argue against that?

KO

 I look I search,
 Down low, up perch
 Don't see my feet my legs
 Thought I'm doing everything it takes

 No hope, lost hope
 I thought death was dope
 Still might, still do
 Still see him at half past two

 The cries, the screams
 Nightmares not dreams
 But once or trice
 The piper his price
 I have to pay
 For coming this way

 Down for the ten
 Up who knows when
 Still those with less
 Escape this mess
 Perhaps I can
 Arrive as man

i am lost and i cannot find my legs ...

The search begins...

This blog will chronicle my search for my bottom half. Quite unbeknownst to me, I have lost my lower appendages. Now i know why I travel but I don't reach anywhere. At the very least, I can finally see the shortcoming, the glaring symptom.

Why, I have no legs!