I will never trust in god completely and blindly again. I've learnt my lesson and the folly of my past methods will not be repeated. Now I know and understand how I put myself up for disposal, betrayal, and destruction. I thought in my lifetime, all I had to worry about was the devil. Silly me.
Lesson learnt.
I'm not gonna be the sucker caught unprepared. No reversion will be tolerated. Just fucking try me.
That's it, right?
When I think of it now, I feel somewhat anxious and excited, less apprehensive than before. Amidst the fear, I now look forward to accepting and embracing the next chapter. Its not just foreboding and fear anymore. The transition will be a bitch but they always are so no use whining.
Just gotta man up.
" A true suicide is a paced disciplined certainty. People pontificate, 'suicide is a coward's act'. Couldn't be further from the truth. Suicide takes tremendous courage."
”I believe there is a another world waiting for us... A better world. And I’ll be waiting for you there.”
-Robert Frobisher, Cloud Atlas, 2012
Wait for me. One day soon, I will come and tell you your name. I will hold your hand so you won't be alone anymore. I will tell you how I missed and loved you.
I know you and I have seen you once, though not for long, I will not forget you.
Wait for me, I will claim you, for you are wanted. I am sorry I lost you, but I won't ever abandon you.
Be patient a little longer, my little one.
What a load of horseshit, oh my fucking god. Reading through this blog totally tells me what a pompous douchebag I've become. I have to restructure my posts.
Makes me wanna vomit, then scoop it up, and shove it down my throat again.
You want this? Then you better do that.
You want this? Then you better say that.
You want this? Then you better have that.
You need this? Then you better be that.
And that, is how much it costs.
You have killed me.
My soul lays dead, alongside god.
Did you not believe me?
Though you do not know, you died too.
The decaying corpse,
Trapped in this shell,
All I can do is mourn,
But promise to free it soon.
I have decided to stand for something, or else I'd fall for anything...
...and that, just won't do.
A bit too shadowed to say what I had intended to. Earthly distractions tend to numb you only so much, for so long. Not surprisingly, we live in the world of instant gratification aka shortlived. You see the dragon right outside, just waiting, not gone, never gone. I'll meet him some other day.
Elliott Smith - Miss Misery
I feel more comfortable about my choice now. As each day winds down, I am arriving at the same conclusion quite consistently. Its giving me confidence. I will smile thinking about it, sometimes.
And this is all I have for you.
---
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today;
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me
As much as I love you;
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand.
She said my place was ready
In heaven far above;
And that I'd have to leave behind,
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye;
For all my life, I'd always thought
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do;
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad;
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday
Just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow;
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home;
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity
And all I've promised you;
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it all starts anew."
"I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
And since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past."
"But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true;
Though at times you did do things,
You knew you shouldn't do."
"But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free;
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.
David M. Romano - 1993
Live your life to show I mattered. That would make me proud.
Find happiness, there is hope yet.
It will be when all is well, all is calm and peaceful. This is so everyone will know I have released and floated away all the anger and resentment. There is no lesson and no punishment. I need to go, so that those who remain will have a chance, so that they can still reboot. I realize I am too obtuse and too much contaminated by the fabric of misery and doom. My presence would hinder their livelihood while my absence will eventually allow them to find betterment.
I am no white knight or martyr, but merely running out of steam, too lethargic to fight god, too deposed from life to try. Damn, I'm tired but I promise you - I shall surely not dwell here.
I keep my promises.
Its pretty funny reading back everything that I've posted. How vain humans are but without vanity, you'd get nowhere and make nothing of yourself. Its that self pride, vanity in oneself, thinking we are indeed better, indeed special, that helps provide the necessary drive to achieve more, to succeed.
So are we really special? Do we deserve? Hubris?
I've more or less decided on the method and location. The final and most tricky element is the time. While a major determinant might be emotions, I'd really like to have some justifiable control over the actual execution period.
Emotions are dramatic and impetuous, things I'd like to avoid if possible.
Secondary thought - if you want something bad enough, stop praying, get up, and go do/get it yourself. I've been praying for the past year, daily and nightly so I finally decided I'm gonna actually do something about that soon.
The greatest lie the devil ever told was that god didn't exist.
The greatest lie god ever told was that all evil was from the devil.
Why do the inept continue to live?
It is extremely peculiar and beguiling to see the unfortunate work so hard to live, to survive so they can continue in that path of almost self condemnation. They most certainly do not relish the cruel hand they've been dealt and yet they trudge on. No, its not brave determination. Silly optimism is not at work here. I believe its a genetic or psychological deficiency of some sort. Just like animals don't kill themselves - no suicide(whales are mammals). Like them, these people are just deficient, less evolved if you will. Instead, they breed, leading to even more faulty shells, zombified but blissfully ignorant. If you think about it, the notion of having to stick it out till you drop dead from natural causes regardless, is illogical. If it leaks, you patch it, if its rotten you dump it, if it hurts, you stop it. It makes no sense then why in regards to our mortality, would we not follow this same principle. I believe that to be a most compelling argument.
I must get my stuff sorted out. I know what I need, I just have to find it. Don't know how much time I'll really have so I have to make sure I got my tools when the time comes.
Something big coming? I know what it is, but the poor suckers don't. Silly beings won't know what hit them. I'd like to see which idiot'll be the first to say "things happen for a reason". Except I won't be there. Jokes' on everyone.
This is the final thing I gotta do. When all is done and ready, the one final hurdle is overcoming fear. You don't get to come back so better be sure. I have found that the best way is to not think about it. That way you don't allow the fear to brew or grow. Fear won't have any power so long as you don't feed it. Best concentrate on the task and that's it. Nothing else.
Actually, there is one other thing I still need - a partner, gotta find one.
You came to love and be loved, but I didn't know you, so I didn't love you. I don't naturally like, love even less. You were perplexing, seemingly distant, foreign, uncommunicative. I didn't understand you.
Then things started to change. I know its real because it came through time, not something fleeting. When I looked into your eyes, I saw a familiar soul. There was a time when I held you because of responsibility, but now, I hold you because of love.
For the times when I was coarse in temperament or lacking gentleness, I sincerely apologize. Sometimes we know not what we do, misguided by our authority, blindsided by our personal vanities. I can't take back the mistakes and it seems I won't be able to right the wrongs. This will have to do.
I am sorry, my baby. You should know that I would lay down my life for you in a heartbeat. You should know that you are indeed one of the very few things in my life that I know is undoubtedly good. I shall always miss you.
I love you, Emma.
I loved her the moment I took her in my arms. She was too small, too little to understand what was happening. I covered her with a soft cardigan and gently placed her on my thigh while I made the long drive home. She slept quietly, never stirring.
She was pensive for the first couple of days, shying away, preferring to just observe me from a distance. But that didn't last, she was soon climbing all over, exploring her new surroundings. Running, jumping, playing, ...then loving. She might not have a voice but you'd be surprised at her elegance and eloquence. The connection was palpable, one look, one stare, was sufficient, a visceral understanding, between man and friend, not beast.
We may never meet again but I shall never forget you. You too, are one of the very few things in my life, that was right, and undoubtedly good. I shall always miss you.
I love you, Peanut.
There's not gonna be any chance of a redo so I've to make sure I don't forget anything. Make sure everyone knows their part too. I really just want to put everything in place and have everything within reach. Next main step is to confirm that my services are no longer required - that I'm not gonna have to be responsible anymore. Emancipation at my own leisurely pace from then on. No pressure.
Ultimately you are responsible for yourself. No one else. It'll be presumptuous of you to think someone will really put themselves out there and be responsible for you, when it really matters. Even if you're the appointed head honcho within the hierarchy, don't assume you'll follow through when the shit hits the fan. Buckling under pressure is universal, no need to be ashamed.
Of course, there's also the flip side..but we won't talk about that. Its a gift often asked, seldom given, even less often fulfilled.
It is very liberating once you are no longer attached to the world. You begin to not worry about money, possessions, or longevity. It may be seen as a cop out but what do I care? Once you know you have the capacity and tuned intellect to control your mortality, you no longer fear it as much. The only side effect is, in a way, you begin to acquire a perfunctory outlook towards most things and people around you. Nothing on earth matters to you anymore. Everything is fleeting and unimportant, and that includes you, yourself.
Don't misunderstand this to be all positive because I can assure you this road is filled with self loathing, pain, loneliness and universal futility.
One thing I know is you can learn this. That can mean salvation or imminent danger.
I don't need new memories. I have had the most blessed and happy ones the past 15 or so years. They will be times I can always look back on with comfort and contentment. I don't want what I see now to contaminate that which I already have stored in my mind. All I know is the longer I stay, the more decrepit I'll get. I may have to die, but at least I can then live.
That's what you need to understand. There's no way you can properly or correctly explain this, because its not about you. The event does not belong to you, nor do you have control over it. No need to try to analyze it or convince yourself or anyone else because its NOT about you. I may not have been able to control my entrance but I sure as hell will control my exit.
You think you know, but you don't. Go on, keep telling yourself stories, convincing yourself of the why's, and how's.
Truth is you need to stop talking, stop thinking...its not about you.
I'd say I'm almost there. I've been preparing, getting my affairs sorted and in order. Its actually sorta nice to be able to plan like this, so as to prevent things from getting outta hand when it matters. Having learnt my lesson well, I know better than to trust anyone, with anything.
Still waiting for my instrument of choice to show up, the final piece of the puzzle.
Gonna get all my affairs in order.
Never know when so best be ready. If I've learnt anything recently, its that best laid plans have become markers of failure. Finally getting used to it all, getting comfortable.
I've officially stopped the search for my legs. Stupid analogy without measurable results. Another nonsensical undertaking in hoping and wishing.
That's what humans do though - finding false meaning in luck and wonder. Wish for something enough, you'll soon create your own sandcastles.
Since the search has ended, I guess the name of this blog is pretty ridiculous. I'm not gonna bother doing anything about it. Its a new beginning, the beginning of the end.
So I came to hate life because everything done here under the sun is so troubling. Everything is meaningless--like chasing the wind.
Ecclesiastes 2:17
I feel like I've become more enlightened now. I know exactly what I want and I have no doubts anymore. No ifs or buts. Its a realization that I've now truly understood and accepted. Unbeknownst to most, and mislabeled by others, its not weakness, its not anger, fear or misery.
It is a life choice, a conscious decision, and if you believe, exercising my free will. Forfeiture of my existence on this plane should not merely be construed in negativity. If you truly have an open mind, you can begin to understand that.
A truer epiphany I have not seen.
What have I really done to reap this? I am not a rotten person. I have not maimed or killed, I have always tried to be fair, be respectful, be humane. Therefore, I am confused, utterly lost, as to this orchestrated predicament that I suddenly find myself. My pain and suffering stems from a consequence of a situation, one which is almost calculated in such a way as to unravel any sane human being. Its a miracle, except its job is to architect your demise, in this case, mine.
Why was I chosen for this? What did I do or not do? Is there sense to be made or is it just a drive-by occurrence? Perhaps there is no meaning to it, and its just an exercise in futility to try to search for one. Or maybe the lesson to be learnt is that reasons don't have to exist.
A random collision of events, chaos theory, pure dumb luck, absolute entropy. Such is life.
I talked to someone today who has walked a mile in my shoes. She went through a similar phase and still undergoes a regimen for it. However, the main difference in our journey is that mine is borne out of very real, physical constraints. It is through this that I understood the fact that life is a pointless cyclical pathos. Maybe there is a point, but you'll never know until you've left your life. How many people inspect their existence? All of our so-called purpose in life is based on what society tells us, man made.
Honestly feel like I'm rambling, either I have no idea what I'm talking about, or I'm a fucking genius.
It seems like a large part of my existence is centered around finding a place to stay. That and the fact that I have no direction. Big surprise there. 3days here, 3days there. When will I run out of these cycles? The shackles around my ankles are very real, and they limit what I can do, where I can live, even who I can meet. I keep waiting for something to happen, anything to cause a real change, but no such luck. Why should I put my faith in anything anymore? Its a futile engagement either way. There is always some explanation to justify your failure. Heard them all, know them all.
I have returned to God but as I pray, I don't know if my prayers are heard. I thought I heard right, but then, it didn't come to pass. I feel dejected, and disappointed. After all, I am only human. How many times can one sustain the blows of rejection and failure before one is lost? Tests that threaten to claim my miserable life are hardly fair. Where and when can I receive more mercy and grace? Forgive me, but why does my Father treat me so? Yes, I am of little faith, and I am a sinner. Does taking all I have from me, stripping me naked and destroying all I hold dear, save me? Isn't free will my gift?
But, alas, even though its not been very long, I am ready to give up on this life. No disrespect, there has been goodness, and while there might be other great things coming in the future, I have actually had enough. I want to leave and serve in other ways. I have had enough of my earthly existence and would like to request to move on to the next phase. God says I have free will. I would like to exercise that right. Not leaving God, just leaving life on earth. I have seen through this and I no longer find it intriguing or purposeful. Take me, let me move on, I am ready. If it is indeed free will, I should be able to decide when I have had enough, without penalty, because if I'm forced to stay on in my current state, I will surely lose my life and my soul, and lose God.
God, you have a responsibility towards me. Don't lose me.
Been here for a few days, will need to move on soon, before things turn sour. I'll try and pack more stuff into my backpack this time, so I'll be better prepared as I roam the streets. No agenda, no direction, so I'm just gonna leave for another town, stay for a few days, then get going again. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be homeless at this juncture in my life. One bad decision is all it takes. I have imagined how I would fare, how I could be living on the streets, literally, and I know how it feels.
In the end, there is only you. You only.
Tomorrow I make a move back to where I started. It's guaranteed to suck but at this point I really have no where to go. Just need to endure it and start another journey once the layover gets too antagonistic.
Not sure what I've learned this past few weeks. Feels like I did a whole bunch of stuff but I couldn't tell you what I got to show for it. My body is sore from all the mileage but its mostly from walking in-place, in circles, since its quite apparent I haven't gotten anywhere.
Still can't get to where I want to go, need to go, not even a step closer, no kidding.
I like to believe I've moved on, at least a little. I can't trust myself anymore. What do i want to do? It almost seems like plain economics.
Still got nothing, hope is for the hopeful. At this point I just want my four walls in a kind climate, don't even need or want sunshine. Simple request, but simply unattainable.
Seems like I just get more and more stuff to fret over. Well, pray, pray more, pray harder.
Right, that's what people do right?
I don't know when I became such a pessimist. Quite the opposite in fact, I always thought I was overly hopeful, the ever optimist. I guess the past few months of my life changed all that. Now I have very low expectations of life in general and expect a very low-key wind down to this existence. I honestly do try to look on the bright side and stay positive, but it just seems like such a futile effort.
I see some glimmer of hope that looks encouraging but I know better now. I am wary of going too high, only to fall farther down.
Nothing has gotten resolved. I haven't gotten any good news in the past six months. All my problems still exist exactly as before. Not one has been resolved. I have less thoughts of killing myself though the depression still creeps up several times a day. I still have no direction, no real place to stay, no security or prospect in any part of my life. The less I think, the less I ponder, the less I am awake, the better. If only I was a drinker, then at least I can get piss drunk and find some solace in my inebriety.
So, same, same worthlessness.
People are still asking me to have hope, to not give up. That i should continue praying, that God will sort it out. Maybe because of how things have happened these past six months, I am no longer very capable of being positive. Not one thing has come out with favorable results. They only tease and entice with false hopes, but eventually show the ugly truth, just like a cynical joke. Such a life is not worth living. All the forces conspire to delude you, trash you, and hurt you. They have taken my livelihood, now even those around me. I am one step from being stateless. A slow and methodical demolition of me as a man.
Hope is for the fortunate.
Give me something.
Not greedy, just asking for something to keep me afloat, help me survive, to make it worthwhile to go through life. Give me a finale I can look forward to, despite it all. If you take it all, I might as well give up.
How do I live through this?
I am not confident they want me to.
At the end, getting me might not be what they want.
I am not a prize, instead I come at a price.
How can they still want me?
I am not a worthwhile burden anymore.
The odds are stacked against me.
All that is important is stacked against me.
I am a pariah
Born unwanted, stuck in a hateful state
I am despised
Avoided by all, this land my dystopia
I will rot here
One chance I got to leave, foolishly I returned
I deserve to expire
All have left, my lease on life almost revoked
I am broken
I resent the air that flows through me, this useless existence
I will escape
Make no mistake, one day I'll leave, meeting death is better than this.
By choice, i spend most of my days and nights within four walls. I am most comfortable away from civilization. Being outside has turned into a stressful event for me and i dread it when I know I will be required to be out. Even mealtimes and having to go to the bathroom has turned into something hard for me to do. What is going to happen to me? I have become decrepit and seem detached from the functional world. Not sure I'm worth saving, not sure I'm worth resources. Very sure I'm not right.
Abandoned
Broken
Castrated
Dehumanised
Emotional
Failure
God?
Hopeless
Immobile
Jailed
Killed
Lost
Muddy
Nullified
Oppressed
Poisoned
Quit
Rejected
Stolen
Torn
Unforgiven
Void
Wasted
X'ed
Years
Zeroed
I picked myself up today, packed minimally, and left for a city far away, some place I've never really been. I'm under a foreign roof, under a foreign sky, depending on others, under the mercy of God.
Is there a God? Does he care? Is there a plan? Did he orchestrate this, why? Will I survive?
I woke up, filled with doom
I cleared out, left my room
I walked out, full of gloom
I hope not, to my tomb
"We all need to know that someone else can feel some bit of what we feel, and someone who has survived it."
Someone told me that yesterday.
That someone lived through something very similar to what i'm experiencing and is still living with it today, 9 years later. I commend her strength and perseverance. I'm just ashamed to say I must be weaker.
Sometimes I think I have some hope
But then I slip and start to mope
Sometimes I think I'll start to cope
But then I try and grab the rope
I beg for a chance, but I get a nope
God might help, if I was the pope
I wish I didn't do all the laundry so quickly.
Whatever I have now just smells fresh of detergent, no longer can i detect anything in them. I guess people who think that's disgusting will never understand how I feel. As i hold this small shirt up to my chest, and prepare to go to bed, I will be thankful, because its one day less to live.
Just noticed I'm losing quite a bit of hair lately. Bedroom floor is scattered with hairs every morning. I don't even spend any time in here. Maybe it belongs to some ghost, some ghost who's also going through such hard times, their hair is falling out too.
I yell and cry
For all thats lost
The more I try
The more they cost
The tears that form
Trace down my face
Reminds me of storms
I started someplace
Not yet strong enough
Not yet weak enough
What can I say?
Someday still may
Choke the air out
Just to checkout
A few good solid cries is part of my nightly ritual now. Lasts for less than a minute but I'll get several bouts a night. Only good thing is they make me damn tired and its true, you can actually be "all cried out". At some point, I feel like my ration for the day is done, and I'd feel quite hollow and empty. My face is sore from all that salt.
What do you do if there is no plan B? What if you have placed your faith and eggs, everyone of them, in one basket?
Plan A is no longer viable. There is nothing left for you. Then what do you do?
I don't recall having been really alone.
For over ten years, my household has sounds - rustling, humming, clanging, cooking, TV, talking. All of a sudden, its quiet. How do i accept this deafening silence? Who do i talk to, no one left nor right. No one will give me anymore time. I am alone, the rest have left. I would never abandon them this way, so why have they? What do you have to do to accept that no one gives a damn? Posting about this only serves to illuminate the obvious. Now that I've posted this, I can't bear to read it.
I think free reign might be a detriment to my health.
Three puffs a buck
Like I give a fuck
Its bad, its good
Its just shitty food
One day I hope
I can elope
From this wretched strife
Some idiots call life
I'm sorry I failed last night. An acute bout of tears flooded me and i made the above to sling over me and the doorknob. Unlike in the movies, there is no one to stop you, no one to bring you back from the edge, no one pities you. It hurt, it hurts, my belt tightened, I felt blood vessels engorge. I tried to ease myself into it but still it hurts. I will fix that next time. This has been trial #2; I had a previous episode with my pocket knife a couple of months back, my wrist still tingles.
Maybe I should sleep, then at least I'm unconscious, and i can't hurt myself. I'll try go bed now, read a bit, then sleep.
Edit:
If I had more guts, I might have succeeded. Will try again.
I believe this is a BIG part of my daily life that sucks the energy outta me. Is it right for me to fear so much? Did loss of freedom, my independence, cause this?
Now i'm just a nervous wreck, fearful of moving, scared of living, panicking when i have to decide. Which is the right direction? When did i lose my confidence? How do i get it back? My compass is out of whack, broken. What seemed so straight, is now broad and crooked, meandering with a hundred ways to go. Every decision, every turn i make only seems to bring me closer to ruin.
I am scared, i have been scared for a while. Only my fear defines me now.
Numb, thats how i currently feel, used a million adjectives to describe my predicament.
When people lose a limb they sometimes feel its presence, its lingering aura, wanting to resume its previous role, but missing its physical attribute. In a sense, thats what i feel, so close, so clear, yet so impossible.
Noose around the neck, slink under the door knob. A lot of people just don't get it - its not about solving issues, not about bravery or cowardice, not about right or wrong. Its very plainly and simply a means to eradicate pain and suffering; an instant absolution attained by no other. Its fast and it bears no prejudice, all problems welcomed, all people accepted.
Can you argue against that?
I look I search,
Down low, up perch
Don't see my feet my legs
Thought I'm doing everything it takes
No hope, lost hope
I thought death was dope
Still might, still do
Still see him at half past two
The cries, the screams
Nightmares not dreams
But once or trice
The piper his price
I have to pay
For coming this way
Down for the ten
Up who knows when
Still those with less
Escape this mess
Perhaps I can
Arrive as man
The search begins...
This blog will chronicle my search for my bottom half. Quite unbeknownst to me, I have lost my lower appendages. Now i know why I travel but I don't reach anywhere. At the very least, I can finally see the shortcoming, the glaring symptom.
Why, I have no legs!
