Incessant

Never leaves, never goes away. Wanna go away. Want to leave.

Want to die. Wanna kill myself. Tired, weary, had enough. Still waiting, can't wait. Can't go, wanna go.

No way, no more, wanna go, go away.

Quotes I cherish from you

You say I am the reason you are here
Have you ever thought that might not be a one way thing?

I'll always be here
So don't you leave me instead

I need you too you know?

And I love you da
And the sickness will not get to you while I'm around
I won't let it, and you won't either

i want to see you every day like before

I love you

Miss you already

How are you

No good days

All days are littered. Blank and dank. They are better when accompanied by tears. Worse when not. Most days are bad. Some days are diseased and decrepit. Particularly today. Example today. No reason necessary. Low and sunken. So tired and punctured.

There is a hole and I can literally put my hands in there and find nothing. My brain is broken and my heart is empty. The rest don't matter.

Addict

Its the only thought I get every hour of every waking moment. Its a reactionary ideation. My feelings fluctuate between nothingness and pain. To treat and escape pain, I threaten it with death. Its become something that defines me. Its my retribution and my revenge. Its the only thing that makes me feel power, and a sense of abject ownership. Its the only thing that I truly still own that hasn't been taken from me.

I want to die. I don't necessarily have the courage to kill myself at the moment but I think I could if given enough time to train for it. The baby steps will one day lead to that leap. Meanwhile, I'm that addict, thinking about it, day in and out, mulling over it, fantasizing. Every day, that fear wears down, looks less fearful, and more peaceful. I want to sleep. I want to die.

Inexplicable

People wonder why you are the way you are. They propose solutions to glaring problems in your life. They think you choose to be so, and wonder why. They tell you to snap outta it, to think happy thoughts, to exercise, to try yoga or maybe religion. Then, sooner or later, they give up. You're the alien they avoid. You cannot be helped.

How can you blame them? You don't even understand it. When you spend most waking moments of your day contemplating your demise, it becomes very hard to attend to worldly problems. There's a larger elephant in the room that everyone sees but deftly avoids. That's why you don't plan or contemplate much about the future. You feel invincible because you think you're future-proof. In actuality, what you have is an exit strategy.

Until the cancer leaves you, you are fundamentally incapable of any cognizant functionality. Problem is sometimes cancer lasts a lifetime, and a lifetime of it is very possibly too much for anyone. For those that tell you to snap outta it, how exactly does one snap outta cancer?

My friend the grocery store

Why am I comforted here? Not the apparel store, the restaurant or the drug store. The produce, the frozen foods, the meats, the condiments, they resonate with me. Why is that? I come here once a day without fail, sometimes twice. I never complete my shopping, so I'd have a reason to return tomorrow to get that one carton of milk or eggs, the one I had deliberately left out. I feel appeased, and soothed. Its not happiness. This feeling, almost like home, of times past, of conjured memories. Its nostalgia, clinging onto wafting, fleeting bliss of bygones.

Triggers

Some people develop depression for no reason at all. They wake up one day and they are sad. There was no trigger, nothing that caused it. Was it a bad dream? Maybe they slept on the wrong side of the bed?

Mine has a story. A start, a circumstance. It has a birth date. It was nurtured and developed, and it matured to its present state.

Which is worse? Are they any different? Do they get different endings?