Its the only thought I get every hour of every waking moment. Its a reactionary ideation. My feelings fluctuate between nothingness and pain. To treat and escape pain, I threaten it with death. Its become something that defines me. Its my retribution and my revenge. Its the only thing that makes me feel power, and a sense of abject ownership. Its the only thing that I truly still own that hasn't been taken from me.
I want to die. I don't necessarily have the courage to kill myself at the moment but I think I could if given enough time to train for it. The baby steps will one day lead to that leap. Meanwhile, I'm that addict, thinking about it, day in and out, mulling over it, fantasizing. Every day, that fear wears down, looks less fearful, and more peaceful. I want to sleep. I want to die.
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