Rest well deserved

My main goal for hanging on through these years has been successfully accomplished. I have kept all my promises.

There is no longer any reason for me to exist. I refuse to hang on just for the sake of being alive. I also cannot live for someone else.

I have been alone and lonely long enough. I have been devoid of hope long enough. I want my solace now.

I've earned my rest.

Nowhere else

I don't want to do this anymore.

I have become old, decrepit and pathetic. I am an emasculated shell, no different than a zombie, except more cursed than them. I still retain consciousness, which is in itself a constant badgering of "what if's" and "could have's".

I won't wait until I care so little as to merely lie down on a random sidewalk. Is this the kind of life I should continue to cling to?

I do not want to live.

Composure

I have seen my death as I have seen my life. The end has become tenable and almost heartwarming, actually invigorating.

I've begun to really start to accept what my reality is. In doing so, just as I accepted the turnout, I accept the dim out.

I want to leave loving. That can't be bad.

The tears are there but it's full of love and joy. That can't be bad.

Silence

It's deafening. All I hear is fear and anxiety filling up in my heart, in my head and in my lungs. I am drowning in them. It's a slow, menacing death sentence. How did I get to be the privileged few to receive this treatment?

Every thump of my heart is a curse prolonging the sorrow and devastation. It's deafening but outside, my ears hear nothing. Only silence.

Life Pro Tip

Life will surely kill you some day.

This race to nowhere ends the same for everyone.

Returnee

You can run but not for long.

Eventually you'll be back and have to face your failures. You won't be escaping this one while alive.

Still trucking, still grinding

Not much has changed. Still trying to weather the storm, trying not to wither. Tears gone dry, maybe not for the better. They were messy but cathartic.

Still looking. Still wanting. Everyday, still wishing to go.

Been a while.

Once you get accustomed to something, it gets easier to live with it. I can almost see that dark, decrepit muck living inside me, at the pit of my stomach, deeply rooted.

He just stays there. Most days he just languishes, permeating into the inner bowels of what he touches. Almost seems to be ignoring me. Neither happy nor sad. Some days I even get to forget he's there. But then I remember.

I remember I can always free him. That I can open myself up, let him go. Then I'd be free too.

A little different

I read about others and most of them want to just die but not actually kill themselves. They seek to cease to exist but are not really suicidal.

I'm quite the opposite. I don't want to die but I'd really like to kill myself. It probably makes little sense but I'd like to kill myself but not die. I think of this daily without fail. How I should stab myself so I can kill myself. The main problem is after that comes death. After death, nothing.

Flight not fight

Inescapable. Ran as far as I could, as fast as I could. Still I got sucked back in. Still I return to start. Still here, still stuck, still cuffed. Like glue it sticks, grimy, sweaty and pungent.

I need to find escape, to cleanse myself, I have to go.

Danger

The walk along the edge is perilous. I'm forced to move onward, forward, but as I place one foot in front of the other, I lose my bearing ever so slightly. I am a danger to myself. If I don't save myself from myself, I will be murdered. One day the balance will shift, wrong will look like right. I can't trust myself but no one knows that. I have betrayed myself and one day, I will take revenge for that. I am afraid of me.

Bewildering

I still smile.
I still laugh.
I still joke.

I also still cry.
I also still hurt.
I also still crash.

Peppered throughout it all, I dream of killing myself.
Repeatedly, continuously, absolutely.
That's the beauty of my psyche.

Incessant

Never leaves, never goes away. Wanna go away. Want to leave.

Want to die. Wanna kill myself. Tired, weary, had enough. Still waiting, can't wait. Can't go, wanna go.

No way, no more, wanna go, go away.

Quotes I cherish from you

You say I am the reason you are here
Have you ever thought that might not be a one way thing?

I'll always be here
So don't you leave me instead

I need you too you know?

And I love you da
And the sickness will not get to you while I'm around
I won't let it, and you won't either

i want to see you every day like before

I love you

Miss you already

How are you

No good days

All days are littered. Blank and dank. They are better when accompanied by tears. Worse when not. Most days are bad. Some days are diseased and decrepit. Particularly today. Example today. No reason necessary. Low and sunken. So tired and punctured.

There is a hole and I can literally put my hands in there and find nothing. My brain is broken and my heart is empty. The rest don't matter.

Addict

Its the only thought I get every hour of every waking moment. Its a reactionary ideation. My feelings fluctuate between nothingness and pain. To treat and escape pain, I threaten it with death. Its become something that defines me. Its my retribution and my revenge. Its the only thing that makes me feel power, and a sense of abject ownership. Its the only thing that I truly still own that hasn't been taken from me.

I want to die. I don't necessarily have the courage to kill myself at the moment but I think I could if given enough time to train for it. The baby steps will one day lead to that leap. Meanwhile, I'm that addict, thinking about it, day in and out, mulling over it, fantasizing. Every day, that fear wears down, looks less fearful, and more peaceful. I want to sleep. I want to die.

Inexplicable

People wonder why you are the way you are. They propose solutions to glaring problems in your life. They think you choose to be so, and wonder why. They tell you to snap outta it, to think happy thoughts, to exercise, to try yoga or maybe religion. Then, sooner or later, they give up. You're the alien they avoid. You cannot be helped.

How can you blame them? You don't even understand it. When you spend most waking moments of your day contemplating your demise, it becomes very hard to attend to worldly problems. There's a larger elephant in the room that everyone sees but deftly avoids. That's why you don't plan or contemplate much about the future. You feel invincible because you think you're future-proof. In actuality, what you have is an exit strategy.

Until the cancer leaves you, you are fundamentally incapable of any cognizant functionality. Problem is sometimes cancer lasts a lifetime, and a lifetime of it is very possibly too much for anyone. For those that tell you to snap outta it, how exactly does one snap outta cancer?

My friend the grocery store

Why am I comforted here? Not the apparel store, the restaurant or the drug store. The produce, the frozen foods, the meats, the condiments, they resonate with me. Why is that? I come here once a day without fail, sometimes twice. I never complete my shopping, so I'd have a reason to return tomorrow to get that one carton of milk or eggs, the one I had deliberately left out. I feel appeased, and soothed. Its not happiness. This feeling, almost like home, of times past, of conjured memories. Its nostalgia, clinging onto wafting, fleeting bliss of bygones.

Triggers

Some people develop depression for no reason at all. They wake up one day and they are sad. There was no trigger, nothing that caused it. Was it a bad dream? Maybe they slept on the wrong side of the bed?

Mine has a story. A start, a circumstance. It has a birth date. It was nurtured and developed, and it matured to its present state.

Which is worse? Are they any different? Do they get different endings?

Living with it

Its a commitment. You cannot outgrow it. You cannot run away from it. It will never leave you. It will be with you forever. It is you.

Accepting it as a perpetual hitchhiker helps you to accommodate its presence. Depression will be with me forever so it helps to understand it. Even if it takes my life, at least I won't waste any more energy in the meantime trying to outrun my shadow.