I have returned to God but as I pray, I don't know if my prayers are heard. I thought I heard right, but then, it didn't come to pass. I feel dejected, and disappointed. After all, I am only human. How many times can one sustain the blows of rejection and failure before one is lost? Tests that threaten to claim my miserable life are hardly fair. Where and when can I receive more mercy and grace? Forgive me, but why does my Father treat me so? Yes, I am of little faith, and I am a sinner. Does taking all I have from me, stripping me naked and destroying all I hold dear, save me? Isn't free will my gift?
But, alas, even though its not been very long, I am ready to give up on this life. No disrespect, there has been goodness, and while there might be other great things coming in the future, I have actually had enough. I want to leave and serve in other ways. I have had enough of my earthly existence and would like to request to move on to the next phase. God says I have free will. I would like to exercise that right. Not leaving God, just leaving life on earth. I have seen through this and I no longer find it intriguing or purposeful. Take me, let me move on, I am ready. If it is indeed free will, I should be able to decide when I have had enough, without penalty, because if I'm forced to stay on in my current state, I will surely lose my life and my soul, and lose God.
God, you have a responsibility towards me. Don't lose me.
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