Pact

I have a new target and its simple. I'll just need to stick around to see if it pans out. I'm leaving, that much is certain. Come hell or high water, the plan is set in motion.

By this time next year, I'll begin to prepare to return to my home. If I fail, I'll still leave, I'll find my way back regardless of the consequences. Legality is no longer important, I have nothing and no one to answer to. There is no higher price to pay when you already have all your chips on the table.

This is something I can agree to and sign off on. Either way, I'll be the one to decide my final destiny. Do or die trying.

Lucky

I might read a news article or see someone come to a quick end in a movie, and I think to myself - you lucky son of a bitch. I want what you got. I want to share that fate. When will it be my turn? Surely I deserve that too if I try hard enough. I still have a chance at that. I'll continue to be envious till the day I too can be rid of this stench called life.

Still

Still waiting.

Close my eyes, dream of it, think of it, waiting still...

Brink

Some days the weight feels insurmountable. The futility and despair becomes overwhelming and all I can do is fantasize constantly about the minutiae of my death. I look around and I see the hopelessness of my existence, and I continue to be in a state of disbelief. I must be dreaming, this must only be a nightmare.

I wake up in the morning and this is what first enters my mind. Before I turn in at night, I play through this script again. One time I'll die in this nightmare, and then I'll truly awaken and it'll be fine again. All will be well again. I will be well again.

Unforgiven

It is unforgivable.

You deserve to die for what you did. The short days are counting down. It'll be upon you before you know it. You'll get your deserved punishment. So does everyone. If you know the story, you know someone dies in the end.

SOON.

Walkthrough

I'm prepared and I've planned for the final day.

Its best to run through the details in your mind over and over again so you become comfortable with the process. It also allows me to fill in any missing gaps and make any necessary adjustments. As I've said before, its a disciplined undertaking.

The precursor is not important; the ensuing journey to the destination remains the same. As much as possible, I need to control the flow of events, making sure they are as linear as can be. Deviation and uncertainty leads to failure, which I don't intend to. The iterations below will act as a map for me, a literal guide to keep my wits intact. When the time comes, no more thinking, I will just act.

The night before
PC needs to be wiped of my use - I may have to complete some bank transfers - I need to pack all my clothes - I need to make sure my laptop is packed - Items to give away I need to label, discard the rest - I need to get some sticky notes and a sharpie - I need to shave and groom well.

I have to call and say goodbye - make sure she knows and understands - make sure she remembers our secret - make sure she can get access - make plain my plight.

The final day
I'll clean up and finish packing - buy a sandwich for the ride - bring a can or two of tuna - leave.

Arrival
Eat - look through my luggage - shower and dress as planned - retrieve my instrument - label items as I see fit - move and arrange items on bed, labeled clearly - leave notes as necessary - watch final movie.

Finale
Wash up - final look through - pray to nothing - planned music in ears - xiphoid process step aside, shiny has a meeting with thumper - bliss - eternity.

Undeserving

You can't make me stay. I won't stay for you. I won't let you benefit from my life. As blanket punishment, you are all relinquished of it. You will be left to pick up the pieces yourself while patronizing condolences and sympathy will no doubt surround you. Your disguise cannot hide your cowardice and malice. Villains abet villains.

Sure, I lost it too, so you might console yourself and say its fair. Its my choice to leave the living because I no longer wish to put up with the putrid clout you bring to my life. I will not stay, I will not give validation to your existence, so you don't get to mend your conscience at my expense. One day or all days, you will have to face the evil you brought. You don't get to forget, you don't get forgiven.

That's what people like you do, and people like me don't.