Nowhere else

I don't want to do this anymore.

I have become old, decrepit and pathetic. I am an emasculated shell, no different than a zombie, except more cursed than them. I still retain consciousness, which is in itself a constant badgering of "what if's" and "could have's".

I won't wait until I care so little as to merely lie down on a random sidewalk. Is this the kind of life I should continue to cling to?

I do not want to live.

Composure

I have seen my death as I have seen my life. The end has become tenable and almost heartwarming, actually invigorating.

I've begun to really start to accept what my reality is. In doing so, just as I accepted the turnout, I accept the dim out.

I want to leave loving. That can't be bad.

The tears are there but it's full of love and joy. That can't be bad.

Silence

It's deafening. All I hear is fear and anxiety filling up in my heart, in my head and in my lungs. I am drowning in them. It's a slow, menacing death sentence. How did I get to be the privileged few to receive this treatment?

Every thump of my heart is a curse prolonging the sorrow and devastation. It's deafening but outside, my ears hear nothing. Only silence.

Life Pro Tip

Life will surely kill you some day.

This race to nowhere ends the same for everyone.

Returnee

You can run but not for long.

Eventually you'll be back and have to face your failures. You won't be escaping this one while alive.

Still trucking, still grinding

Not much has changed. Still trying to weather the storm, trying not to wither. Tears gone dry, maybe not for the better. They were messy but cathartic.

Still looking. Still wanting. Everyday, still wishing to go.

Been a while.

Once you get accustomed to something, it gets easier to live with it. I can almost see that dark, decrepit muck living inside me, at the pit of my stomach, deeply rooted.

He just stays there. Most days he just languishes, permeating into the inner bowels of what he touches. Almost seems to be ignoring me. Neither happy nor sad. Some days I even get to forget he's there. But then I remember.

I remember I can always free him. That I can open myself up, let him go. Then I'd be free too.