Don't forget anything

There's not gonna be any chance of a redo so I've to make sure I don't forget anything. Make sure everyone knows their part too. I really just want to put everything in place and have everything within reach. Next main step is to confirm that my services are no longer required - that I'm not gonna have to be responsible anymore. Emancipation at my own leisurely pace from then on. No pressure.

Responsibility

Ultimately you are responsible for yourself. No one else. It'll be presumptuous of you to think someone will really put themselves out there and be responsible for you, when it really matters. Even if you're the appointed head honcho within the hierarchy, don't assume you'll follow through when the shit hits the fan. Buckling under pressure is universal, no need to be ashamed.

Of course, there's also the flip side..but we won't talk about that. Its a gift often asked, seldom given, even less often fulfilled.

Free

It is very liberating once you are no longer attached to the world. You begin to not worry about money, possessions, or longevity. It may be seen as a cop out but what do I care? Once you know you have the capacity and tuned intellect to control your mortality, you no longer fear it as much. The only side effect is, in a way, you begin to acquire a perfunctory outlook towards most things and people around you. Nothing on earth matters to you anymore. Everything is fleeting and unimportant, and that includes you, yourself.

Don't misunderstand this to be all positive because I can assure you this road is filled with self loathing, pain, loneliness and universal futility.

One thing I know is you can learn this. That can mean salvation or imminent danger.

Don't wanna forget

I don't need new memories. I have had the most blessed and happy ones the past 15 or so years. They will be times I can always look back on with comfort and contentment. I don't want what I see now to contaminate that which I already have stored in my mind. All I know is the longer I stay, the more decrepit I'll get. I may have to die, but at least I can then live.

Its not about you

That's what you need to understand. There's no way you can properly or correctly explain this, because its not about you. The event does not belong to you, nor do you have control over it. No need to try to analyze it or convince yourself or anyone else because its NOT about you. I may not have been able to control my entrance but I sure as hell will control my exit.

You think you know, but you don't. Go on, keep telling yourself stories, convincing yourself of the why's, and how's.

Truth is you need to stop talking, stop thinking...its not about you.

Prep

I'd say I'm almost there. I've been preparing, getting my affairs sorted and in order. Its actually sorta nice to be able to plan like this, so as to prevent things from getting outta hand when it matters. Having learnt my lesson well, I know better than to trust anyone, with anything.

Still waiting for my instrument of choice to show up, the final piece of the puzzle.

Not quite but quite ready.

Gonna get all my affairs in order.

Never know when so best be ready. If I've learnt anything recently, its that best laid plans have become markers of failure. Finally getting used to it all, getting comfortable.